My Butterfly
by EchoDeltaNine
Summary: To her he was a conceited jerk, hellbent on being the King of Arrogance.  To him, she was the most beautiful creature, so trusting and gentle.  Together, their fire burned angrily, but she would still always be his butterfly.  A series of L/J oneshots.
1. I Swear I'll Marry Her

**The Road Not Taken**

**1. I Swear I'll Marry Her**

"Off you go, Jamie." His dad urged him forward, though the son didn't need it. He flashed a devilish grin over his shoulder and disappeared into the crowd thronging for the train. Steam swirled through the air and laughter saturated it. James reveled in it all, already knowing it was going to be a fantastic year.

"James!" The boy turned at the sound of his name, his eyes sparkling mischievously.

"Ah, Sirius," he said as the other boy fell into step beside him. "I've just had the most brilliant idea! Have you _seen_ the amount of pastries they've loaded on there?" Sirius shook his head, his face splitting into a grin that matched James'.

"There must have been at least 500 pumpkin pasties. I mean, really, it was quite impressive for such a short ride. How far is Hogwarts?"

"Oh, I'd say a day's passage. Not too long, maybe. Your dad send anything with you?"

"I didn't tell you?" James and Sirius jumped nimbly of the steps into the train, settling into an empty compartment. James set his shoulder bag on the seat next to him and then looked smugly at Sirius. "Mum didn't want him to, but Dad gave it to me anyway."

"What'd he give you?" James tossed the bag to his friend.

"Check it, Sirius." Sirius dug in the bag, his eyes widening in disbelief.

"No way!" He pulled out a cloak, patterned in a spider web of designs, iridescent in the light that slanted through the compartment window. "He gave you his invisibility cloak?"

"Well, kind of. He said I could borrow it, anyway." James smirked to himself, looking out at the crowded platform. The first warning whistle had blown and the panic was beginning to set in. "Mum told him absolutely not. She thinks that it will just get me into trouble—she doesn't trust me. Can you believe that Sirius? My own mother doesn't trust me!"

"I wouldn't either, if I were her," Sirius snorted back, stuffing the cloak back in the bag. "I mean, you don't plan to use the cloak for _good_ things, do you, Jamie?"

"Of course not, Siri," James replied snidely. "I mean, Hogwarts is cool and all, but what kind of a year would it be with rules? Besides, I hear that McGonagall needs a little spice in her life."

The last warning whistle sounded and the rest of the students clambered for the train. James and Sirius waved at their families. Sirius' brother waved back sadly as his parents stared sternly, without seeing. James' parents clutched each other's hands, his mother blowing kisses, both waving enthusiastically. Even with how cruel Sirius' parents seemed, both boys' guardians were proud of their young boys.

The train began moving soon after. Sirius extracted a deck of exploding snap out of his pocket and the boys played several rounds before their cards were decimated. The boys talked for a long time, discussing which house they expected to be put in, which class they thought would be the easiest, and how easy or hard it would be to sneak food from the kitchens.

"That reminds me," Sirius said, rubbing his stomach as it grumbled loudly. "I'm starving! Where's the lady with the cart?"

"I don't know." James stood and leaned out the door of the compartment. There was no sign of the lady in either direction.

"Well, I'm not waiting," Sirius said exasperatedly, striding out the door. "I'll check this way, you check that way. I want Licorice Whips and Pumpkin Pasties, if you find her."

"Droobles and Cauldron Cakes, if you find her. And chocolate frogs." The boys nodded at each other, and set off in opposite directions.

James walked leisurely down the carpeted hallway, peering curiously into different compartments as he passed. Several were full of first years, but many were older and ignored him.

He had just caught sight of the trolley when the train jolted violently. He grasped the handle of the nearest compartment door to keep from falling, and it slid open, nearly knocking him to the floor anyway.

After he gained his balance, he peered into the compartment.

"I'm sorry," he said, noticing a slim, mousy boy directly to the left, his long legs splayed awkwardly in front of him. His hazel eyes were wide with surprise, peeking over the cover of a book stamped with runes that James couldn't read.

Another boy was sitting in a corner by the window. His hair fell in black sheets around his face, hiding his large nose and shiny black eyes. He looked at James with a great amount of dislike, for the other boy's gaze had landed on the only girl in the compartment.

Her hair was long and silky, slightly curly, the color of the deepest red in a sunset. Wide green eyes stared appraisingly at the boy. Her figure was slim and her face had the soft roundness of an angel. James thought that he had never seen anyone more beautiful.

Distracted, and embarrassed, as she had caught him staring, he sifted his hand through his hair.

"Hi," the girl said brightly, standing up and holding out her hand. "I'm Lily, and this is Remus and Severus." James gently shook her hand, savoring the softness of her skin.

"James," he managed to reply. "Sorry for the interruption. I kind of, uh, tripped here."

"Oh, it's no problem. Would you like to join us?"

James looked at her eager face and was opening his mouth to say yes when he heard his name being sang in an obnoxiously falsetto voice.

"Jammmmiiiiiiieeee! Oh, Jamsies! Come out, come out, wherever you are!" James put a hand to his face and lowered his head in shame. Leave it to Sirius to ruin it. "Ah! There you are, James, ole pal. Hey! Why didn't you come get me?" Sirius came quickly to James' side, annoyance on his face. "You could have at least hollered for me—" he broke off quite suddenly, catching sight of Lily.

A flashy, attractive smile grew on his face. "Well, well, well, who do we have here?"

"This is Lily," James told him, sending a glare at his friend. "And Lily, this is—" Sirius pushed past him, reaching out a hand.

"I'm Sirius," Sirius said, his voice low. He kissed the back of Lily's hand and flashed his teeth again. "Sirius Black, for future reference." Lily blushed and giggled girlishly.

"I'll keep that in mind, Mr. Black."

"Well, it was nice meeting you all, but we really have to get going," James said quickly, disliking the way Lily and Sirius were looking at each other. He grabbed Sirius by the back of his shirt and hauled him off down the hall.

"Bye," Lily called after them, shaking her head in wonder at the two handsome boys disappearing into another train car. Severus caught her eye as she sat down, an eyebrow raised. "What?" she shot at him, blushing again. He shrugged and went back to staring out the window.

Meanwhile, James was rounding on Sirius.

"God, you are such an imbecile," he said, glaring at Sirius like he was a bit of mud on new shoes. "And what was that all about?"

"I was just being charming," Sirius replied indignantly. "What's got your panties in a twist?"

"Nothing," James growled, tossing himself into the compartment.

"What? Tell me, James. "The two boys glared at each other hotly for several minutes before Sirius realized it. "Oh. I get it. You like her." James was quick to deny it, a little too quick, and Sirius shook his head. "All you had to do was say so. She's pretty, but, uh, you met her first."

"I don't like her. Have her if you want."

"Oh, please. Don't even give me that." James sat fuming for several more minutes before a soft smile lighted his lips.

"My heart about bust out of my chest the moment I saw her," he admitted, not meeting Sirius's 'I told you so' look.

"Well, she is gorgeous, of course," Sirius contemplated, slumping down onto the seat. James gave him another loathsome look. "But, she's all yours, mate. You saw her first. I respect the guy code."

"Mmhmm," James sighed to himself, sinking slowly back onto his own bench, appreciating the view of a pretty lake. "You know what, Sirius?"

"What James?"

"I'm going to marry that girl some day."

"Uh huh. You keep believing that, James."

"I swear, man. I'm going to marry her."

* * *

><p><strong>AN XD Lily and James are such a powerful couple, and I have always wondered what happened during their years at Hogwarts. How did James finally get to her? Why did Lily hate him so much? This is my take on it all. Please read and review :) Tell me if it's sweet, cheesey...all comments and criticism are welcome :)**


	2. Why Lily Hates James

**My Butterfly**

**2. Why Lily Hates James**

It was happening more frequently, lately. She had noticed it affecting him, his temper always short and an anxious air followed him wherever they went. He tried to deny it all, but she caught the way he avoided her eyes and fled whenever they came in sight.

Presently she was trying to convince him to walk with her around the lake. She had finally gotten more film for her camera and wanted to take some pictures of the grounds, hoping that she might even catch sight of the giant squid.

"I don't think so, Lily. I just…it's getting late, and I have that potions essay for Professor Slughorn and everything…."

"Oh, don't give me that," she said, rolling her eyes and nudging him lightly with her elbow. "You finished that days ago. I helped you, remember?" He sighed heavily, annoyed, but defeated.

"And I have—"

"Save it, Sev. You're finished, and you know it, and you're coming with me tonight whether you like it or not!"

He glared at her for several moments before her cheeky smile made him laugh.

"You're so mean!" He exclaimed as Lily linked her arm through his.

"Am not. Besides, what were you going to do? Hang out with those awful boys like Malfoy? He's so terrible! And, he treats you like scum, and you just let him walk all over you! Why do you let him boss you around?"

"Because I'm a Slytherin."

"And I'm a Gryffindor, but you don't see me letting people like that vile Michal Lewis who thinks he controls the whole school just because he's _Head Boy _control _me_, do you? But, even if he has his quote unquote _authority_, I don't let him push me around! I don't get out of the chair I'm sitting in just because he thinks he has a right to sit there instead.

"I mean, stand up for yourself. I really don't like the way they treat you."

"There isn't much I can do about it now."

"Of course there is," she said, surprise lacing her voice as she peered up at him with wide eyes. "There's always a way to make things better, or to get out of sticky situations. It doesn't all have to be set in stone the first go around."

They had traipsed down the front steps and their footsteps were muffled by the grass, already wet with dew. A huge, full moon was rising in the distance, and, simultaneously, the sun was setting, alighting the sky in a collection of rosy reds, vibrant purples, golden yellows and oranges, and a beautiful shade of blue that she could never name. She paused for a moment, at the foot of the steps, and aimed her camera expertly at the corona flitting around the sun.

"Maybe you're right," the boy murmured, watching her out of the corner of his eye. _My God, she is so gorgeous_, he thought. _If only she could see past my shell…._

_But she does_, a voice in his head reminded him. _It's you who pushes her away with all that talk of being busy and being a slave to the other boys._

He sighed softly, knowing whichever way he chose would mean losing in one way or another.

"Severus," Lily said. He turned towards her and a flash blinded his eyes.

"No fair! That picture is going to be terrible!" He cried. Lily giggled.

"It will be a good one for my scrapbook! Aww, c'mon, Sev! Live a little!" Her laughter streamed behind her as she took off at a run towards the lake, leaving him staring after her.

"Yeah," he muttered to himself, trying not to smile. "Easier said than done, Lils." A chuckle escaped his chest and he trotted into a run after her.

"You'll never catch me!" He heard her yell, though he had long since lost sight of her.

"Come on, Lily!" He called, finally stopping to catch his breath. He saw the flash of her camera several yards away.

"Oh my God, Severus! Come here, you _have_ to see this!" She sounded positively ecstatic, excited and passionate about whatever treasure she had found. He smiled to himself. She was so amazing.

Severus walked forward once again, picking his way carefully on the path around the lake. But he stopped after only a few steps. A loud noise that sounded strangely like someone saying "ow!" resounded from the depths of the forest. Of course, the trees were all scattered about randomly, but the Forbidden Forest was still formidable, even this far outside its thickest center.

"Sirius!" Severus stopped again, listening carefully. He was sure that he heard the rapid rumble of voices off to his right and a rather loud yelp at the end.

"Sev, are you coming?" Lily appeared around the path, looking eagerly at him. He gave her a curve of his mouth that passed as a smile.

"Yes, Lily," he called back, peering into the darkness of the forest.

"Hurry!" She disappeared back into the woods, her camera flashing again. He listened again, then continued when he heard no sign of anyone.

He had almost reached the curve in the path when his stomach clenched and his heart began to beat rapidly in his chest as two looming figures appeared from the gloom. One was tall and gangly, the other of average height and stocky build. Severus looked desperately to his right, and then over his shoulder. The other two were somewhere…

"What's the matter, Snivellus? Scared?" Severus opted not to answer. It was better to not engage in conversation. "Why don't you answer? Cat got your tongue?" His lips pulled back over his teeth in a snarl before he checked himself again and swallowed his response.

"Please leave me alone," he said calmly, his fingers inching towards his wand.

"I don't think that's possible." The voice made Severus' skin crawl. The leader of their little gang was a tyrant and was the creator of his hell. "What brings you out here tonight, Snivelly?" Severus swallowed his answer once again.

"Answer!" A wand tip ignited and bright sparks forced him back several steps.

"I'm out with Lily," he finally said hastily.

"Why?" The leader tromped through the underbrush and stood in front of him, the moon reflected in his glasses and a dangerous expression on his face.

"Because we're friends, Potter." A hot, stinging sensation branched across his chest as the other boy pressed his wand over his heart.

"Don't be cheeky, or I promise you won't remember tomorrow." The two boys glowered at each other, eyes locked and filled with hatred.

"I'd advise you not to threaten me," Severus said, his voice low.

"And what are you going to do to me, huh?" Severus was about to reply when his heart sank.

"Sev! I thought you were coming!"

"Tell her you're fine," the boy growled. Severus refused to, a nasty grin spreading across his face.

"Why don't you tell her?" The indecision flashed in the boy's eyes before he tossed the word over his shoulder, making the mistake of looking away for just a moment.

"Sirius—" But the boy was blown off his feet, nearly landing in the lake. Red sparks followed him as Severus spread his feet to secure his stance.

"Severus?" Lily appeared behind the other two figures, who had been joined by a squat, wide character. "What is going on?" The stout figure moved toward her quickly, saying something that Severus couldn't hear. Anger overtook his body when she screamed.

He let off a stream of curses at the other boys. In his anger, his accuracy was shot, and most of them missed, ricocheting off the trees, a few sputtering to smoke on the lake. The tall figure went down, and the squat character took off running towards the castle. It soon came to silence, with Lily struggling against the stocky figure, and the other boy rising to his feet.

Severus stood, breathing hard, his wand pointing between the two boys.

"Let me go!" Lily's distressed voice echoed across the grounds.

"Let her go!" Severus yelled, his vision coated in red. "Leave her out of this!"

"Take her back to the castle, Sirius. Snivelly and I have something to discuss."

"Severus!" Severus started forward, ready to run to her rescue, but he found a wand pointed at his face.

Sirius struggled furiously with Lily. Her camera dropped to the ground, bouncing off the path and splashing into the water. She screamed again, and a flash of orange engulfed the both of them. But it must have been a wrong spell, for Sirius was still wrestling with her. Finally she turned and looked desperately towards the two boys.

"James!" Both Severus and James stood stock still. The sudden, hot, smoldering feeling of jealousy burned in Severus' stomach, and he watched as indecision flickered through James' eyes. "James!" She screamed his name again as Sirius caught purchase on the path and hauled Lily away. "JAMES!"

Severus and James were merely feet apart, wands pointed menacingly at each other. Severus stiffened when James opened his mouth, and was surprised when, instead of cursing him, James closed his eyes, sighed heavily, and dropped his wand.

"Go," he said, a kind of pain flashing across his face. Severus kept his wand at the ready, contemplating jinxing James Potter into oblivion, thought better of it, and ran towards the castle, never looking back.

James stood still for a long time, his chest tight, and his mind racing. What was he thinking, coming out here like this? Or even sending Sirius to hold off Lily? He shouldn't have even let him touch her. She didn't need to be involved in this. Not to mention, he didn't handle the whole thing very well. It would have been better if he could just mind his own business…

He sighed heavily, straightening up and turning to look towards the castle. He dreaded returning to it. Lily was sure to be furious with him, and he knew she had good reason. With the anxiety of the eminent fight in mind, he walked slowly over to the edge of the lake, looking into its depths.

"Accio camera," he murmured, pointing his wand at the pool. Lily's camera soon zoomed into his hand, soaking wet, and, surely ruined. He performed a quick drying spell and took a picture of himself, foolish in his arrogance. The camera whirred loudly and he could hear the film spinning in the canister. He was sure it was broken. He sighed again and trudged back to the castle.

He moved slowly, almost in a daze, up to the Gryffindor common room. He was even stopped by Professor McGonagall, though he barely remembered it. By some miracle she did not give him detention, but told him to get to bed quickly.

After he passed through the portrait hole, the weight of what he had done finally hit him, and shame filled his stomach.

Lily was sitting a chair by the fire, her knees pulled to her chest with her chin resting on them, staring pensively into the fire. She looked so beautiful there, the firelight reflecting off of her pretty red curls…. All he wanted to do was to sit with her and apologize for everything he'd ever done, but he knew that a confrontation with her would be disastrous.

It was with that thought in mind that he snuck towards the stairs. Unfortunately for him, with his luck, he tripped over a model-sized Quaffle and landed spread-eagle on his face. When he had crawled up to his knees, he glanced towards Lily who met his gaze steadily. Her eyes were puffy and her cheeks were red. Swallowing hard, he rose to his feet and slowly paced towards her. He sank uncertainly into the chair across from her.

"Lily, I…Do you…?" He stumbled over his words, ten different things struggling to make it out of his mouth, all at the same time. He finally cleared his throat and managed out, "I'm sorry." She visibly stiffened at his voice. "Lily, I'm sorry."

"Don't talk to me," she growled.

"Please listen to me, I really am sorry, we shouldn't have—" he broke off at the penetrating look that she gave him. Her green eyes were bright and full of loathing and hurt.

"I don't think that you know the first thing about being sorry!" She began, her voice rising as she climbed to her feet. "You don't just go around attacking innocent people, James! What did he ever do to you? And what about that awful name you call him? Severus is nice, and sweet, and twice the person you'll ever be!"

"Lily, I—"

"No! Shut up, James! How could you even justify what Sirius did? How could you just stand there and let him push me around?" James sat shamefaced, avoiding her eyes, his chest constricting again.

"I just…I don't get you. And I think—" she paused, considering her next words, while wiping her eyes that were, to her frustration, clouding with tears. "I think, James, that you should just stay away from me." He looked at her then, the hurt and disbelief showing clearly on his face. "I can't be friends with a person like you, who harasses other people and allows their friends to manhandle girls."

"Lily, please, I—"

"Spare me, James." She turned then, her face crumpling with those words. She had always liked James and his friends…though not when they were all together. And now, she found it hard to even look at the one with whom she had liked the most, with his pretty hazel eyes and his decidedly untidy hair…. But no. She had values, and she was going to uphold them.

"Lily, wait! Your camera…." James lunged after her, nearly finding himself sprawled on the floor again. She paused once, at the foot of the stairs, her shoulders shaking.

"Keep it. You've ruined it and anything it could have given me anyway." With that last statement, she disappeared up the girls' staircase, her sobs crashing against James' heart.

"Oh, Lily," he sighed, slumping back to the armchair by the fire. "I'm sorry. I just—I'm really sorry…."


	3. Mistakes of Forgiveness

**My Butterfly**

**3. Mistakes of Forgiveness**

The last several weeks had been hell for her. She had finally stopped crying every ten minutes and every time someone mentioned his name, but still she hurt. Sometimes, when she gave the excuse that she was going to the library, she would go out to the lake and sit and watch the water, sobbing to herself.

He had been acutely aware of her pain, for it still sent barbs into his heart when he saw her. Her emerald eyes were accusing, loathing, broken. She would hardly even look at him, and even Sirius, Remus, and Peter were suffering.

He was falling apart with the way she was treating him. Guilt consumed him, and he hardly ate for a month.

As time went by, he hoped that it would blow over enough for him to apologize again, but he wasn't all that optimistic about it. Remus was the only one that thought she was a forgiving person, encouraging him to make it a point to talk to her again.

And so it was early December, only a couple of days before break, when he finally took the initiative to approach her.

A particularly trying and successful Charms class had just ended, Lily still smiling with the praise from Professor Flitwick, when he chose to approach her.

"Lily," He said cautiously, gently touching her arm to get her attention. It had been months now, of avoiding each other and angry comments exchanged through Remus. To his horror she jerked her arm away from him.

"Leave me alone, Potter." A deep pain hitched in his chest. No longer was he James to her, but a lowly last name, undeserving of her lips.

"Will you please just talk to me? Just for a second, please?" Her anger at James Potter had not dissipated, but she was a forgiving person, and she thought that her parents wouldn't approve of grudges.

"You've got two minutes, Potter." Another pang of hurt.

"Okay. Listen, I'm really sorry, Lily. It-it wasn't right of us to attack Snape that night—"

"It's Severus," She growled. James swallowed hard, jealousy spiking in his blood.

"It wasn't right of us to attack Severus. I'm sorry. How many times do I have to say it? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

"Saying sorry doesn't take it back. And, you know what the worst part is? I'm not even angry that you attacked us, because you let him go, and no one got seriously hurt." He looked at her in confusion. "I'm so incredibly _mad_ at you, James Potter, because I screamed your name—screamed. Your. _Name_—and you didn't even look at me! You let Sirius haul me off without a second thought! That hurts, James. I thought that we were friends." Before she could start crying again, she turned on her heel and stalked away, half-walking, half-running.

"Lily, we are friends!" James hurried after her, trying to fix what he had already ruined. "Please, Lily!"

Suddenly she whirled around, glaring, angry tears pooling in her eyes.

"_Don't_ use my name. Don't you ever call me Lily again, do you understand me? Don't act like we are friends, because we are not friends." His heart sank.

"Please I'm sorry, Lil—" he cut off, frustrated. "What am I supposed to call you then?" He shouted at her back as she walked away, hiding her tears in the crook of her arm.

She didn't answer, fearing that she may run back to him and forgive him for everything. The look on his face and the hurt tone of his voice had almost been enough to break her. Almost.

"***•.¸¸.•*"Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ"*•.¸¸.•*"**

The last several days of term Lily spent in isolation. She wandered the castle on her free time and even took unnecessary trips out on the grounds, sometimes stopping into the greenhouses to check on Professor Sprout, sometimes helping with the baby plants.

Every time she saw James and his friends, she turned around and hurried in the opposite direction, sometimes having to take the long way to class.

James tried to approach her several times, but she had learned the best ways to avoid him: steer clear of the common room, don't take the fourth floor corridor to lunch, stay in the library as long as possible.

Sometimes he would send Sirius and Remus to talk to her for him, so she avoided them, too.

It was the night before break, everyone enjoying the last night at Hogwarts, exchanging early Christmas presents. But Lily was holed up in the library, surrounded by a mountain of books. In all honesty, she wasn't reading one of them, but instead was writing a long and thought-out letter to James, apologizing for her behavior, but still insisting that they not be friends, but rather acquaintances. She admitted that, until the incident, she had rather liked him and that she hoped, in time, they may become friends again.

She was just signing it, a lilting signature of Lily A. Evans, when one of her books was ever-so-slightly disturbed. She narrowed her eyes at the stack of books, looking around her as subtly as possible.

To her great annoyance, she felt the eyes watching her and could even hear the breathing.

"I asked you to leave me alone," she said quietly, purposefully covering the letter with another piece of parchment. The shuffling of over-sized shoes and a muffled grunt that caused the bookshelf to move made her sigh. "Besides, I thought that stupid cloak was below you." She uncovered the letter and finished her signature, no longer fearing her watcher. If she asked him not to tell, she knew he wouldn't. She sighed quietly to herself, carefully rolling the letter and tying it with a bit of twine. "You can join me, if you'd like." She heard the rustling of silk and then one of her very favorite people slowly sat in a chair next to her.

"Good evening, Lily," he said quietly, tiredly.

"Evening, Rem." She flashed a winning smile at him. In all honesty, she missed talking with Remus; he was one of the only people who had any kind of real intelligence. "What brings you here tonight? A bit late to start the studying, don't you think?"

"I should be asking you the same thing." Her smile faltered but she kept her expression light.

"Yeah, well, sometimes I come here to think, in the quiet, you know? The snow makes it chilly by the lake." Remus nodded in understanding.

"I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes the three of them can be so ridiculous, and I just have to be by myself." Lily raised an eyebrow.

"Why do I get the feeling that that isn't the case tonight? I mean, seriously? You had to pull the cloak?"

"You know, I must ask you, how do you know about the cloak?"

"Do you really think that I haven't noticed all of you following me? Even here, suits of armor don't just crash to the ground and not put themselves back together. And, my God! Sirius breathes like a freaking dog. I'm not oblivious, Remus."

"Forgive me. I should have given you more credit." Remus looked at her with sad eyes and her happiness at seeing him began to fade. Very quickly.

"Why did you sneak up on me?"

"I—" he paused, smiling apologetically. "I promised James I would speak to you." Her eyes darkened.

"Listen, Remus, I've told him, and I've told Sirius, and God knows I've told you, I won't forgive him. It's hard even stomaching Sirius when he dogs my every step, but I don't appreciate being stalked for him."

"He just—" one very annoyed glare from Lily stopped him. Remus sighed, running his fingers through his hair. "I don't know that I can take it, either. The boy's a mess, Lil." He searched her face, noting how pained she looked. "He cries sometimes," he whispered. "When he thinks that we're all asleep. Even yells your name in his sleep. He's miserable when he's awake. I don't know what to do anymore." Lily felt her throat constrict.

"Listen, Rem," she whispered softly. "He needs to understand that what he did hurt more than just Severus. He needs to understand that I yelled for him and he didn't come for me." She steeled her heart for the hurt that was coming. "And you and the rest of them…you couldn't just leave us alone, could you?"

Remus didn't answer for several minutes. He carefully considered his answer before speaking.

"I am sorry for that, Lily. Please understand that James and Sirius and Peter are my only friends. And understand that every eleven-year-old can make mistakes." He met her eyes and was surprised to see how vulnerable she looked.

"I'm your friend, Remus," she said quietly, reaching out and gently touching his arm. "I know you're smarter than the rest of them, and that you can actually think once in awhile. I am your friend, and I always will be." Remus smiled softly and shook his head.

"I do agree with you," he said, laughing quietly. "The boy's a right git."

"Well of course! We red-heads," she said, pulling her fingers though her hair with a flourish, "we have brains too, Rem." She giggled quite loudly and clapped a hand over her mouth in hopes that Madame Pince would not come yell at her.

"They have secrets, too," Remus said, nodding towards her letter. She sighed, a soft blush creeping over her face.

"Yes. We all have secrets, Rem."

"You want to tell me about it?" Lily sighed, stroking the familiar parchment. It soothed her.

"You know I don't really hate him," she whispered. "I want to, but I can't. He's too…light, to be able to hate him."

"Yes, I know," Remus answered. "Believe me, I know."

"And, Rem, I rather like him, if he wasn't so stupid." A sad expression crossed his features for a moment, but then it was completely gone.

"I know, Lily. Are you going to send that?"

"I think I might…I mean, I want to be friends, but I want him to stop cursing Severus."

"I don't know that I can make him stop, Lily." She gave him a sharp, reprimanding look.

"It isn't up to you, Remus. It's up to him." She stood, packing up her bags. "As soon as he can decide that he isn't above everyone else, perhaps I'll forgive him."

"Would you like me to give that to James?" Remus asked, gesturing to the note. Her brows furrowed for a moment in indecision.

"Only after we arrive at King's Cross. I don't want him coming near me, Remus." He raised an eyebrow, wondering what she _did_ want. "Promise me?"

"I promise," he said, reaching out to take the letter. She smiled then, a real, relieved smile.

**"*•.¸¸.•*"Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ"*•.¸¸.•*"**

The ride home on the train passed almost uneventfully for Lily. She sat a compartment with Alice and Dorcas, laughing happily with her two friends. They played exploding snap, and Lily won every game of wizard's chess, and they even played a round or two of truth or truth. Everything went perfectly. Well, almost.

It occurred when they were only a half hour from Kings Cross station. Lily was lounging on the seat, flipping through the latest issue of Witch Weekly, when suddenly Alice and Dorcas both let out a stream of giggles.

"I think you have an admirer," Alice said from behind her hands. "Ooh, Lily, he's rather handsome." Lily stiffened but turned her head toward the compartment door. And there was Sirius Black, trying to look nonchalant as he stared obviously at Dorcas.

"I think you were mistaken," Lily said, rolling her eyes. "Dorcas is the one with the admirer."

"Oh no, Lils," Dorcas sniggered. "Yours is there too, look! Sirius is being so kind as to fetch him for you!" And Lily's heart sank as Sirius dragged James Potter into view. Her eyes narrowed in anger before she turned away.

"Again, I think you are mistaken," Lily said flatly, violently turning the page of the magazine. She flinched when the compartment door was slid open.

"Lilykins, may I have a word?" She glared at Sirius over the top of her magazine.

"Don't call me that. And no." She hid her eyes again.

"Please? Two minutes is all I ask."

"Why?"

"Come now, Lilykins! I won't divulge my secrets!"

"If I say no will you leave?"

"Of course not." Lily sighed, anxiously rolling up her magazine and standing to follow.

"I swear, Black, that if anything funny happens—"but Lily broke off as Sirius held out a hand to stop her.

"You have my word that all I want to do is talk." Lily sighed again but followed him out into the hall. And there was James, leaning against the wall looking rather nervous and excited.

"What?" Lily demanded, completely ignoring James.

"Well, you see, we were told here by our dear Remus that you have a little bit of a fancy for Jamesie." Lily was instantly irate.

"And who says what Remus says is true?"

"I think," Sirius said rather smugly, "that the color of your face and the letter in James' pocket is enough."

"You've forgiven me?" James said hopefully, stepping forward. Lily shook her head, taking a step back to avoid his closeness.

"No. I never said I forgive you."

"But the letter said!"

"Did you read it all the way through?"

"Yeah!" Lily closed her eyes suddenly, counting angrily in her head to ten, and then again to twenty as the boys exchanged a look.

"You must not have, because I did not say that I forgive you, but that someday I might."

"And that someday we could be friends, too!" James stepped forward, grinning eagerly. "And you said that you kind of liked me." Lily rolled her eyes, opening her mouth to correct him, but he pushed forward, startling her when he said, "Well, I like you too, Lily—"

"Don't call me Lily."

"—and I was wondering if perhaps you might like to be my girlfriend?" Lily was seething by this point.

"Look, Potter, okay? No, I will not be your girlfriend."

"Why not?" Sirius and James said simultaneously, both in outrage.

"Because I haven't forgiven you, and we're eleven. Do you hear that? Eleven. You don't know what a girlfriend is. You should still believe in cooties." Sirius looked absolutely confused and there isn't a word to describe the expression on James' face. "Well, I can see that won't get me anywhere..." she muttered to herself before finishing her speech.

"Now listen, Potter. No, I will not be your girlfriend. We are not friends. If you use my name again, so help me _God,_ I will curse your tongue right out of your mouth. Do you understand?" Now he only looked frustrated.

"Well what do you expect me to call you then?" But Lily was no longer listening and just smiled charmingly at Sirius over James' shoulder.

"Have a nice holiday," she said cheekily before entering her compartment and pulling the door closed and throwing the lock.

"Well, well, well," Dorcas said nonchalantly before exploding. "What is wrong with you? That boy is completely bonkers over you!"

"No he's not," Lily laughed. "He really isn't. He just thinks he is."

"Same difference!" Alice quipped, giggling in the corner.

"No," Lily denied. "Besides, I haven't forgiven him."

"He thinks you have!"

"I guess I made a huge mistake even mentioning it then."

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><p><strong>I love how stupid James and Sirius can be sometimes lol. Anyway, thanks to everyone who reviewed last time! It makes me smile and they inspire me to write :). I realize that it's kind of premature, and I do have plenty of my own ideas, but if anyone rather likes the way I write, if you have any suggestions or chapter requests, I can put them in. If anyone is interested, let me know!<strong>

**ED9**


	4. I Rather Hate the Name Evans

**Hmm, so, I'm not exactly happy with this particular chapter. 1st year is kind of hard to write, and I've been reading Dramione fics and so my writing style is a little off right now. But, someone pointed out that eveyone was a little mature for their age; hehe, forgive me, I'm not eleven. So, I tried to make it a little more obnoxious...let me know if I was totally off my mark.**

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><p><strong>My Butterfly<strong>

**I Rather Hate the Name Evans**

The second half of term began several weeks later. Lily had received no less than one letter every day; sometimes even more than one— on Christmas Eve, he had sent seven—_seven_!

To be honest, she found it rather sweet; but on the other hand, she had told him that they weren't friends, and he refused to believe it.

The train ride back to Hogwarts was uneventful, but a sense of foreboding began to suffocate her before she had even entered the Great Hall. The look Severus gave her as he left for the Slytherin table didn't help at all.

She smiled widely as she dropped onto the bench next to Alice.

"What's wrong?" Alice asked immediately.

"What do you mean? Nothing's wrong."

"Don't lie to us," Dorcas said, glaring. "We can see it in your face. Now spill."

"I just…something doesn't feel right. I don't know. Something in the air, I guess." Alice raised an eyebrow but Lily ignored it. "Anyway, how was everyone's Christmas?"

"Boring," Dorcas said, examining her nails. "Dad decided that work was more important and Mom spent all of Christmas crying and throwing things."

"I'm so sorry!" Lily gasped.

"I'm not. The two of them fight more when they're together anyway. To be honest, I'm glad to be rid of them!"

"Still, though," Lily sighed, glancing at Alice. "What about you, Alice?"

"It was fine. Mummy and Daddy took me to the Ministry's ball. A boy there asked me to dance, but I said no."

"Oh?" Lily giggled. Dorcas rolled her eyes—the least girly of the three of them. Alice blushed and nodded.

"He was nice, but…I don't know. It just wasn't my thing, I suppose.

"What about you, Lily?"

"Mine was okay. We went to France." Lily wrinkled her nose. "Tuney has a boyfriend. He went with us."

"That's your sister?"

"Mmhmm. Petunia. And her boyfriend is terrible. He didn't even shake my dad's hand!"

"Tsk tsk," Dorcas twittered disapprovingly. "A bad choice."

"I know! And he came over on this huge motorbike. I thought Daddy was going to die!" The girls giggled together and then stifled their laughs as Dumbledore stood to begin his speech.

"Welcome back, staff and students!" He began, smiling happily around the hall. "I hope that each and every one of you has had a wonderful Christmas and has an equally warm and comfy pair of socks!

"Now a few words of encouragement before we eat: fribble, quiggle, and snox!" Lily laughed and turned hungrily to the table.

Suddenly, Lily hated that she even existed. For there was James Potter, a bouquet of lilies in his hands, grinning at her.

"Evans, Evans," he sang, moving slowly but purposefully towards her.

"Oh, how your eyes do shine

Like pretty little lilies

Basking in sea brine.

Oh, how you are so sweet

Like Honeyduke's chocolate

A tasteful, yummy treat.

Oh, how you are so beautiful

Smiling like a ray of sun;

Won't you let my love be provable?

Oh, Evans, won't you please entwine

Our hearts and hands together

And forever be mine?"

He offered her the bouquet of flowers, smiling hopefully. The whole hall was completely silent and Lily could feel the color rising in her face.

"What do you say, Evans?" he asked, suddenly uncertain.

"James—er—Potter, I don't think—"

"Lily!" Dorcas hissed. Lily glared at her.

"No," Lily finally said, a sad look on her face. "I'm sorry, but no."

She could hear every person in the hall let out disappointed breaths, and she was embarrassed. James' face fell for a moment, but then his smile was back.

"Come now, Evans, how about you come sit with me? I'll change your mind."

"No, Potter," Lily said firmly. "I'm sorry. I told you how I felt."

"Yes, but, truly, I can make it up to you."

"No, Potter." He pouted obnoxiously for a moment, gently setting the lilies next to her.

"I'll win you yet, Evans," he said mischievously before flouncing off down the table and dropping into the seat next to Sirius.

"Yo, Evans," Alice said accusingly. "Could you have been any worse to that boy? It was so sweet."

"Yeah, even I would have said yes to that, Evans."

Lily narrowed her eyes. "I haven't forgiven him for the lake incident," she said. "And just because I said we could be friends someday didn't mean I was telling him it was okay to ask me out!"

"Still though!"

Lily refused to reply to any more of her friends' badgering as they ate. She could hardly even enjoy her food because she was so annoyed with them. Eventually her friends stopped and by the end of the evening, they were smiling and laughing once again.

As they left the Great Hall, Lily's spirits fell.

"Way to go, Evans."

"How could you, Evans?"

"Evans, is there something wrong with you?"

All she could hear were the jeering calls of her name, specifically from the gaggle of girls that normally followed James and Sirius around, giggling obnoxiously, trying to pretend like they didn't want to be noticed.

"Can I change my name?" Lily growled angrily as they reached the portrait hole.

"Why?" Alice asked in surprise. By the time they had arrived at the top of Gryffindor Tower, she had heard her name called by several hundred students, and was feeling irritated and hurt.

"Because," she snapped. "I really rather _hate_ the name Evans."

"I think, what she means," Dorcas interpreted expertly, "is that she hates that she is the Evans that all those girls obsessed with James and Sirius are talking about. She doesn't hate her name, she hates herself."

"Shut up, Dorcas," Lily growled, marching off to bed. Dorcas laughed and Alice looked sulkily at her.

"I like the name Evans," she whispered. Dorcas rolled her eyes.

"Come on, Ali," she said. "I think it's time for bed."

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><p><strong>Like I said, not my best chapter, but, what can you do? Anyway, a shout out to my awesome reviewers: <em>QueenCobraWing, Evisawesome, Loslote, and A FAN<em>. You guys are awesome and made my day :). Please do it again? R&R loves! 3 **


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